Riley

A few weeks following our August honeymoon, I had been noticing some things going on with my body that were out of the norm.  No matter how much sleep I had gotten, or how many naps I would take, I was experiencing some serious exhaustion.  I also was having constant headaches.  We hadn't really been trying to get pregnant, but knew it was a possibility so I picked up some pregnancy tests.

I took the first of the three tests a few days before my period was expected.  It was negative.  They day I anticipated my period to arrive came and went, with no period in sight.  Two days later, I tested again and it was negative.  I was down to one test so I decided to really test my patience and wait as long as I could before using it.  I made it to that next Saturday (4 days) before my stepmom talked me into taking the last one.  I told her it would be a waste considering as I had just gotten a negative 4 days earlier and I wasn't using first morning urine, but took the test anyway.   Much to my surprise.. a faint little line appeared.

My stepmom freaked out, called in my husband and we told him the news.  We were both so excited.  Then I cried when I told my mom and dad.  Everybody was so happy for us. It was a very emotional day.  I decided I wanted to wait until we were a little farther along before we announced it publicly, but my dad begged me to just put up an announcement on Facebook so he didn't have to keep it a secret, so I did.

I had my first appointment at 7 weeks.  Nothing crazy, talked with a nurse, went over my family history, took some of my blood.. just routine stuff.  She told us that our estimated due date would be May 16th, 2013.  I couldn't wait for my next appointment.  I would be 11 weeks and we were going to get to hear our sweet baby's heartbeat.  The next appointment came, and the doctor began searching for our baby's heartbeat.  It took a few minutes but eventually he found it!  170bpm!  He told us that was an amazing heartbeat at 11 weeks, and we were pretty much in the safe zone to tell our friends and family, if we hadn't done so already. (Which we had.)  He wanted to get me in ASAP for a dating ultrasound to verify my due date, so we scheduled one for the next week.

I was incredibly nervous and excited about our ultrasound.  I couldn't wait to see our little Peanut.. however the superstitious side of me was nervous because of the date.  Our ultrasound was scheduled for November 1st, the day after my birthday.. and also the anniversary of the death of my best friend.  It was always a rough day for me and I didn't know how I felt about seeing my baby for the first time that day.  Eventually I got optimistic and told myself that now I was just going to have a happy memory to associate with that day.

November 1st came, and my husband and I headed to the doctor's office.  We were both so excited.  This was going to be one of the happiest days of our lives.  This was my first pregnancy, so I really had no idea what to expect.  I got on the table and the ultrasound technician got started.  She was moving the wand around, pressing buttons and staring at the screen for what seemed like a lifetime.  She didn't say anything and she didn't show us anything.  I just kept looking at my husband, face full of excitement.  She then asked me to go to the bathroom, empty my bladder and said we were going to try a transvaginal ultrasound.  We got started with that and she stared at the screen, pressing more buttons.. still not saying anything or showing us anything.  She had me sit up and get dressed and I thought this was it, I was going to get to see the pictures of my baby!  Then I saw her face.. she looked so sad.  That's when she told me she had bad news.  Our baby no longer had a heartbeat.

It took a minute for that to register with me.  When it did, I just burst into tears.. and I'm about to again just typing this.  The technician told us to take as much time as we needed and she was going to go see if my doctor was available.  I couldn't move, I just sat there in my husband's arms and cried.   The doctor explained to us that, even though I was measuring at 12 weeks, my baby was only measuring at around 6 1/2 weeks.  Since we had just heard the baby's heartbeat a week before at 11 weeks, the death was most likely caused by a chromosomal defect.  We gave my body until November 6th to see if I would start to miscarry on my own, but I did not and we had to have a D&C that day.

We never found out the sex of our baby, but in my heart I believe he was a boy.  We, however, decided to pick a unisex name for him, and chose Riley.  He will always be my first baby, and I will carry him in my heart forever.

I created this necklace with charms from Origami Owl to memorialize our angel baby.